Editor’s Note: Answers appear at quiz’s end.
1. What, besides the peerless fresh-made yeast doughnuts, should you buy at Long’s Donuts?
a. Chocolate-covered cankles
b. Deep-fried embolisms
c. Snicker poodles
d. Nothing. Just stick with the yeast donuts.
2. Your significant other announces that he/she has rented the Chicken Limo to squire you around town on your birthday. You immediately …
a. Inquire as to whether he/she would prefer to sleep on the living room couch or the one in the den.
b. Ask, “What’s a chicken limo?”
c. Ask if, instead of sitting inside, you can ride on the chicken itself.
d. Make sure it pulls up in front of your house so the neighbors can see.
3. A major new downtown commercial development is announced. The first thing you do is …
a. Wonder how much TIF money they needed to make that turkey fly.
b. Hope and pray they’ll put a Target in there.
c. Write a huffy note to the Indianapolis Business Journal criticizing the project’s “pedestrian and uninspired” design.
d. Hope it’s taller than ten stories, so it can bolster our somewhat anemic skyline.
4. When someone mentions the name Sammy Terry, you immediately …
a. Remember just how very, very old you are.
b. Endure a PTSD-like flashback of your six-year-old self hiding behind the couch during Nightmare Theater, covering your ears because his voice freaked you out.
c. Hunt up old videos on YouTube and suddenly realize, after all this time, that the man was actually trying to be funny rather than scary.
d. Wet yourself.
5. If you could press a button and make one of these things vanish forever, which would you choose?
a. Gigantic, double-wide strollers on the Monon Trail.
b. That ridiculous statue of John Wooden on Georgia Street.
d. Ponderous, slow-moving city buses. Not all of them, just the one that’s in front of you right now, making you late for work.
6. You’ve got Pacer seats in the highest, steepest corner of Bankers Life Fieldhouse. What do you do?
a. Pack extra tissue in case you get a nosebleed.
b. Hit the restroom before you sit down, then don’t get up until it’s time to leave.
c. Get your affairs in order.
d. Contemplate taking a parachute and base-jumping down to center court.
7. You see the recently clean-shaven Colts quarterback Andrew Luck on the street, again sporting a neck beard. So you …
a. Tell him he’s a credit to old-order Mennonites everywhere.
b. Remark that his Adam’s apple probably feels quite cozy in there.
c. Realize that Luck is 6´5˝ and that maybe you should keep your pithy observations to yourself.
d. Ask if the beard is a good luck charm. Volunteer to grow one if he thinks it might help the team.
8. What’s the secret ingredient in St. Elmo’s shrimp cocktail sauce?
c. The same stuff car dealer Andy Mohr gargles with to make his voice sound raspy.
d. Lucas Oil Deep Clean Fuel System Cleaner
9. Your friend has tickets to the Indianapolis 500 and asks you attend. What do you say?
a. You’d like to, but were banned for life from the IMS in 1983 after the Great Keg-a-pult Incident.
b. If you wanted to be searched, jostled by crowds, and forced to drag around a bunch of bulky containers, you’d go to the airport.
c. You’re pathologically afraid of Jim Nabors.
d. Lament that every time you’ve gone you’ve wound up either jailed, sunburned, or hopelessly drunk. Then, shortly thereafter, relent and go anyway.
10. Which of these items has at various times been hauled out of Broad Ripple’s canal?
a. A streetcar
b. Regular cars
c. Colts punter Pat McAfee
d. Freakishly large carp
e. All the above.
1-3 correct: Not from around here, are ya? Baby steps: Try the St. Elmo’s cocktail sauce.
4-7 correct: You’ve earned one of those “317” tees.
8-10 correct: Pop open a Sun King and celebrate–you know your Naptown!
1. d. Seriously, do you think the rest of the stuff in their display cases is even real?
2. d. Then Facebook and tweet the entire time you’re inside.
3. b. Because, while high-quality mass transit and crime-free streets would be nice, having someplace to buy designer tea kettles is what really separates the big boys from the posers.
4. c. Then wet yourself.
5. c. Because, seriously, to hell with them.
6. b. Psych! We only wish our seatmates were so polite, instead of getting up for endless rounds of beer and bathroom breaks.
7. d. Extra points if you’re a woman.
8. a and b.
9. d. Because the Indy 500 is like an old flame. You know the two of you aren’t a perfect fit, but you usually have fun together.
10. e. All of the above.
Photos by Tony Valainis and Will Foster
This article appeared in City Guide 2014.