Nobody Kicks The Colts’ Ass Three Times In A Row

AnvilHey, do you like touchdowns? How about the 1983 hit “Bang on the Drum?” Well, good news! The Colts basically made Todd Rundgren’s arms fall off yesterday! For the first time this season, the Colts put on a shockingly competent offensive display, producing 34 whole points—more than double their season average to date—in a win over the Jaguars. Not only did Indy avenge Week 2’s no-show in north Florida, they captured their first division win of the season in the process, and now have a chance to stand alone atop the AFC South trash pile, if they can sustain this effort in Nashville on Sunday.It’s just one game, and we’ve seen how fleeting *just one game* has been for the Colts these past few years, but wha- … what’s that feeling creeping over us in the IM recap? Hope? Is that it, Nate??MILLER: Here’s the thing, Derek: I took the kids to the game yesterday. Lots of them. Too many of them, frankly. It broke me spiritually and also financially, so the feeling creeping over me today is RELIEF. And exhaustion. As for the game itself??? It is difficult to get a feel for the nuances of the game when you’re mentally breaking down in the Dippin’ Dots line. But from what I could hear from the concourse between heaving sobs, the Colts did real good!! And nobody under my charge fell off a balcony reaching enthusiastically for a parachuted T-shirt.SCHULTZ: Hey, no need for a Walkman when you have “Bang on the Drum,” Queen’s “We Will Rock You” (1977), Black Sabbath’s “Crazy Train” (1980), and John Mellencamp’s “Jack & Diane” (1982) in regular rotation in the Colts’ home game soundtrack for the 1,526th year in a row! After making fans collectively bang their heads into the table for five weeks, the Matt Ryan and Offensive Line combo was instead head-banging all afternoon, rockin’ to 389 passing yards while yielding zero sacks. Veteran (and Purdue grad) Dennis Kelly held down the precarious LT spot and no one on the line seemed to blatantly embarrass themselves, unlike Braden Smith in Houston, Danny Pinter against KC, or Matt Pryor in Denver. Utilizing a lightning-quick passing attack, and with zero healthy run game at his disposal, Ryan finally looked like the Ryan of old, spraying the ball around to Michael Pittman (13 catches/134 yards), Deon Jackson (10/79), and even Parris Campbell (Remember him? 7/57/TD).Again, attach the It Was Only One Game qualifier, but this is the first time the Colts’ offense showed any life at all, finally giving fans a reason to be encouraged about the season outlook.MILLER: How many passes did Ryan throw? A thousand?? And why didn’t he throw it a thousand more times to Alec Pierce, who I’m starting to think is the White Randy Moss?? Was there a reason for that? I begged the kids to allow me to listen to a Walkman at the game (as is my right as a dad at a live sporting event), but they refused, naturally. You’re so embarrassing, they said. Seriously, can you just go wait for us at P.F. Chang’s? they asked. Pfffffft. The Walkman is not simply for ironic or Dad Joke™ purposes. As a Football Dummy, I need Spero Dedes or Matt Taylor constantly explaining shit to me or else I am LOST. I am not a prideful man, Derek.The kids will come around sooner or later. I’m feeling optimistic about that. And also about the Colts, I suppose. For now.SCHULTZ: Buying seats for Nate’s 3-5 kids, dropping two Benjis on concessions, a fifty-spot on parking, and rockin’ with your buds/fellow Hoosiers to a little Johnny Cougs is alllll worth it when the Colts win! And, for the first time this season, that was a win that felt more like The Colts Won as opposed to The Colts Didn’t Lose. Through the doom and gloom of these recaps over the first five weeks, we kept attaching qualifiers about how the Colts still, miraculously, had everything in front of them. At 3-2-1, that’s still the case, but this time, unlike previous “winning” performances, the Colts finally provided some hope that a successful 2022 season is actually possible.