Welcome to The Dadball Era
Your weekly guide to the life you gave up after having kids.
Editor’s note: We asked Nate Miller to ditch his social media nom de plume and write a weekly column for us because, mostly, we’re pretty light on stories written sporadically in ALL-CAPS and mash note-type questions. Also, we want to see how long it takes Miller, a practicing attorney, to get disbarred.
Welcome to The Dadball Era. I’m Nate Miller (née Roy Hobbson on Twitter), and I will be manning the Middle-Aged Dad Sports Bureau™ here at Indy Monthly. As was explained to me, this should be like a mom-blog (really), but for dads, too! More specifically, moms and dads who genuinely loved Vern Fleming and Thunder Island and the Dire Straits “Walk of Life” video. It’s for those of us too young to yell at clouds all day about how Aaron Bailey SHOULD HAVE CAUGHT IT and too old and tired for anything in Broad Ripple at night.
In short: The Dadball Era is for middle-aged, casual sports fans who don’t really have time to obsess over them anymore because our annoying kids keep robbing us of all our time and energy and money.
So! Are YOU a normal, sensible #SportsDad or girl #SportsDad? Is this the right weekly column for you? Take our quick and easy quiz to find out!
1. Do you lift weights for 6 hours every day?
2. Do you own a half-Colts, half-Broncos Peyton Manning jersey?
3. Are your young kids super-awesome at sports and manners and getting ready for school each mornings by themselves?
4. Do you call into sports-radio talk shows every day?
5. Can you calculate a “Quarterback Rating” in your head?
6. Do you drive a Hummer H2?
7. Are your family photo shoots enjoyable, low-stress affairs?
8. Do you, as a season-ticket holder, wear an authentic Colts helmet to games at Lucas Oil Stadium?
9. Is your name Marco Andretti?
10. Does your 6-year-old have her own personal trainer?
If you answered yes to ANY of these questions, even one, then you are an obnoxious lunatic of some sort, and The Dadball Era is not for you. Sorry, weirdo. Out you go!
For the rest of us, though—the normal and decent people who, for example, LOATHE family photo shoots with the power of a thousand flamethrowers—we’ll be here every Thursday handing out sick #DadJoke burns to dumb teenagers and wondering aloud why the Pacers have worn the same boring jerseys for the last 700 straight years. Other potential (probably inevitable) topics:
· My kid’s a goalie —now what?
· Is Ryan Grigson a Bill Belichick operative?
· Remembering Roselyn Bakery: An Oral History
· Why Do My Knees Hurt When I Walk Down Stairs? (part of our ongoing “Ask an Orthopedic Surgeon” series)
· Know Your Twitter Memes! (also an ongoing series)
· Where have all the Indianapolis batting cages gone?
· Explaining Bob Sanders to your kids
· (Andy Rooney voice) Seriously, what’s the deal with Under Armour?
· Multi-Class high school basketball is worse than ISIS
· Grilled meats, ranked
· Do’s and Don’ts for time-efficient shopping at the Castleton Costco
· Why Myles Turner is a boss
What will not be discussed —not today, I mean—is the Cubs. The internet is already soaked in drunken Wrigleyville euphoria (AND SO AM I!!), and I don’t have the fine motor skills for it. Let us simply bask in this moment triumphantly for the next 108 years.
Beyond that, though, nothing is off the table. Or maybe it is—who knows? This is an evolving process. I’m figuring this out on the fly, although this time without the sweet, soothing protection of my trusty internet pseudonym. That does change things a bit. Namely, I suppose I’ll have to throttle back the cursing and the crassness and the wonderful tales of snorting Jell-O shots on Carb Day, because, you know—Hi, kids! Hi, Your Honor!
But so be it. It’s a small price to pay for the chance to be myself for once. I’m a 40-year-old quasi-sports fan with a wife, three kids, and an artificial hip. Let’s #DadBlog!