Back Home Again

“If a man or woman, at the end of their long and difficult day, wants to smoke a joint and relax, that does not impinge upon my happiness in the least.”

The immigrant I knew best went to church, volunteered as a Boy Scout leader, and helped his sick neighbors.

In my dream, I pass the day writing and reading, then enjoy the dinner my wife has thoughtfully prepared and carried up the hill to me. (It is a dream, after all.)

“I suppose even the exhilaration of preaching in a cowboy hat would wear thin after a while. I could try it and see, but even Quakers have their limits.”

“Charley has only one set of Case kitchen knives, so I might have to buy them before the 23rd to make sure no one else snatches them up. Otherwise, my wife will be getting a garden hose.”

“In my early years, my father cooked the Thanksgiving turkey on a Weber grill in our barn, a deeply spiritual experience for him.”

“The pendulum will swing to the center, the rumors of democracy’s death will have been exaggerated, and we can return to obsessing about the Kardashians. This is my dream.”

“This was back in the days when nuns wore habits, before they got sneaky and went undercover, dressing like the rest of us to blend in and catch us sinning.”

“I’m not sure when bungee cords were invented, but they weren’t around when I was a kid, and I think my life would be pretty meaningless without them.”

“I make it a point to encourage others to be helpful, especially when it gets me out of a really disagreeable task.”

“That Kelsea decided to get married in Danville and not Georgia makes me love her all the more, but then I always look favorably upon people who save me from driving a thousand miles.”

“I tell my nephew and his friends the story of My Great Hike often, hoping they might be moved by my dogged determination. Truth be told, though, I sense in them a disdain for my story, as if it were made up.”

“Young people don’t understand that if death cleaning is to ever take hold in our country, they must do their part and take our crap. Otherwise, the whole system breaks down.”

“Facebook allows us to hang on the words of someone half a world away, known only to us by binary code, while ignoring the spouse across the table.”

“Every rider thinks his bike is the best, but would never say so. Except perhaps the owners of Triumph Bonnevilles, but only because it’s true.”