ALPHARETTA, Ga. – If you’re going to Indy for the big game, bring a good coat and literally all the money you have.
Also, and this is critical: Get your affairs in order before you leave, for you are most likely not coming home alive. Georgia is currently a 3-point favorite.
While it shocks the conscience that the NCAA and also the NFL have asked inDiANaPoLiS to host their respective “big games,” thereby infringing on the Atlanta suburbs’ lucrative championship-game territory, we will nonetheless be professional about this and prepare travelers for their journey. Ours is not to reason why, Dawgs fans; ours is but to go broke in Indy and probably die of frostbite or carjacking. Let’s get to it.
Lodging: Don’t even bother. Our sources say it’s too expensive and dangerous. Instead, get a hotel room in Louisville and just Uber to the game. It’s a way better town, really. Less murder-y. Less of a threat to host future Super Bowls. More affordable. More loyal. Louisville is an honest and honorable town—it never sneaks behind your back to STEAL WHAT IS RIGHTFULLY YOURS. The river is a nice touch as well.
Dining: The dining options around Lucas Oil Stadium are about what you’d expect for the most expensive city in North America: mainly White Castles and violent homeless people aggressively selling you stolen ham sandwiches for $145 each(!!!!). Are you Tyler Perry? Are you a sultan? No? Well tough luck, fair traveler who is not a trillionaire, enjoy starving to death! You know who doesn’t want to kill you? The vast and affordable culinary options in and around Mercedes-Benz Stadium, that’s who. Call us old-fashioned, but we here in Atlanta pride ourselves on NOT doing genocide to our out-of-town guests. Kickoff is at 8:05 p.m. EST.
Weather: It’s not looking great, truth be told. Here is NASA scientist Harry Stamper giving the official weather forecast for Indianapolis this weekend: “16 degrees in the sunlight, minus 200 in the shade, canyons of razor-sharp rock, unpredictable gravitational conditions, unexpected eruptions, things like that.” Yikes. Pack warmly!
And there you have it, folks. Travel safely if you must. (We wouldn’t.)
(Editor’s Note: This is a satirical retort to The Atlanta Journal-Constitution article where sportswriter Chip Tower slams Indianapolis as host city for the 2022 College Football Playoffs National Championship. If you would like to read that article, click here.)