Editor’s Note: On May 26, 2013, May Madness contributor Kate Shoup went to Indianapolis Motor Speedway to cheer on her boyfriend, Olivier Boisson, project engineer on driver Tony Kanaan’s KV Racing Technology team. She got to experience the celebration of Kanaan’s Indy 500 victory firsthand.
FOUR TIPS FOR WHEN YOUR BOYFRIEND WINS THE INDY 500
1. To prepare for the waning moments of the race that your boyfriend’s team is winning, you will want the following on your person: a paper bag (for aid in breathing); tissues (for the inevitable weeping—see next tip); a throat lozenge (due to screaming); and brass knuckles or a taser (to clear path to boyfriend at conclusion of race). Also helpful: tranquilizers. If unavailable, drinking four caipirinhas will suffice.
2. You will shed copious tears. Sobbing, gulping tears. After that, you will probably look pretty blotchy, and your nose may swell up a bit. This is not a tip per se; it is more a warning.
3. If, after your boyfriend’s team wins, you and he get invited to the post-race dinner, be aware that the skirt you bought at Target and the shirt you purchased second-hand are probably not the right sartorial choices. In the event you do wear the skirt you bought at Target and the shirt you bought second-hand, expect to be upstaged by literally every other woman in the room. Including the waitress.
4. Remember: Not everybody cares. A partial list of people who don’t care includes the following: your dog; the cashier at the gas station where you bought lottery tickets the next day, figuring you were on a roll (you were not); and the non‒English-speaking waitress where you ate breakfast the following Tuesday.
Inset photos by Kate Shoup: Olivier Boisson, Eric Cowdin, Jeff Simon, and Matt Curry of Team Tony Kanaan; Lauren Kanaan, wife of Tony Kanaan, after his Indy 500 win.